The Buzz Kill Caption Contest

An anonymous Tailgatebarn fan sent us this all-too familiar snapshot last Thursday.  No names.  No description.  Just what appears to be another unfortunate victim of the Ped-mall PAULA Patrol.

Naturally, we decided to post it on the Internet for laughs.   But instead of coming up with our own hilarious headline, we figured we would let our fans work their magic.  And better yet, turn it into a TGB SWAG GIVE-AWAY!

• We want to know:

 How would you sum up this Pic?

• Tell us a story
• Make-up some dialogue
• Put your Photoshop skills to the test

The first response that makes us spit out our jungle-juice, WINS a FREE TailgateBarn tee, redeemable on Saturday at the TGB Homecoming stand — 817 Melrose ave!

Give us your worst Hawkstars,

• TGB

Best Drinks You Have Never Tried #52: The David Jay

*Many have tried. Few remember.*

World.  Meet the David Jay:

What is it?

An intoxicating concoction of rich flavors, cheap ingredients and bad decisions.  A perfect recipe for that warm and fuzzy feeling of Sunday-morning regret. In other words, a BLACKEDandYellow specialty.

The Legend of the David Jay

‘David Jay’, a compulsive clepto and professional shitshow hailing from a Windy City back-alley, ventured across the corn fields for an innocent weekend in Iowa City.  Sick of continuously waking up having to remember falling down the stairs of Summit and failing to court grenades,  Dr. Jay set out to find a cure for the “last-night syndrome.”  Experimenting with leftover chasers, last weeks beer and an unfinished handle of off-brand Rum, the mysteriously delicious and blackout-inducing conception was born.   And well, the rest is…

…History

What You Need for a Magical Tailgate Morning Mix:

- (One) BIG ass Cup

• Ditch that pathetic 12oz plastic thing, this isn’t mug night.  Search the house (or the neighbors) for something worthy.  Get creative.  That overpriced flower vase from Valentines Day ’09 — David jay material.  The useless water pitcher with the missing Vodka Brita filter.   Now we’re talking.

 - (One to Thirty) Cans of Brew

• Experience tells you to go for the classy stuff.  After all, it tastes better.  Wrong answer.  The subtle taste of Rocky-mountain pisswater is the perfect base for a true DJ.  Besides, it all tastes the same coming back up.

- (One) 1.75l Handle of Dark Rum

• Brand is irrelevant.  It doesn’t matter if it was made by Captain Morgan, Admiral Nelson, Sailor Jerry, or Pegleg Petey.  As long as there’s a pirate on the bottle, it’s good enough for a Jay.

- (Two) Two liters of Root Burr

• Second only to Squirt in the ‘Best Chasers under $1.29′ category, this baby does a fantastic job disguising the combination of the two completely unmixable substances and transforming it into a delicious flavor fusion any freshman sorority girl would pick over a Mikes Hard.

 

Steps to Success

1. Brew on the bottom

Half-way up or you’ll REGRET.

2. Cappin’ in the middle.

3-5 SHOTS to help you FORGET.

3. A & Dub to the top.

Stir that shit and then your SET!

OPTIONALS:

- ICE.

• But none of that Smirnoff shit.  You can’t drink this stuff safely on one knee.

- VODKA.

• There’s no right amount to this one.  Just depends if you want a one or three day hangover.

- PROTEIN POWDER.

• BRO.  It’s called multi-tasking.  Your biceps are going to look so  jacked in your orange Johnson-County jump-suit.

NEVERS:

• Never Say Never.

• Camera’s and phones. The David Jay’s biggest enemy. If you want to own one in the morning, leave home without it.

• Boyfriends and Girlfriends.  If you want to have one in the morning, leave home without it.

There you have it.  The elusive David Jay.  So spread the word, pour with caution, and forget your worries.  And trust me, that last one won’t be hard.

See you on the other side,

• TGB

The Shower Beer

THE ART OF THE SHOWER BEER.

Bro.

What we’re celebrating:

• A perfect contrast of ice-cold delicious and temperature-controlled rainfall.  A time to get completely soaked, partially cleaned, slightly more conscious, and entirely too drunk before a day of BLACKED and yellow adventures.  An Iowa tailgater’s right of passage.

For those who don’t know:

•  Prepare to have your fuckin’ mind blown.

————————————————

Below is a simple guide to jump-starting your Tailgate morning with the most important multi-task of the day.

————————————————

Ingredients:

(One) Hot and Steamy Shower.

• Acceptable Substitutes: Backyard hose.  Kitchen sink.  Iowa River.
• Unacceptable Substitutes:  Cold-water-anything (the-buzz-killington).  Axe-attacks (smelling like you just hosted a kegger in the middle-school-locker-room is a sure way to get arrested).

(One) 12oz Burr - Any brand of your choosing.  All beers are created equal when they are consumed under the influence of high pressure shower heads.

• Acceptable Substitutes:  Four Loko waterfalls.  Flabongo bubble baths.   Tequila sunrise rainstorms.  If you have to ask, then you(r liver) can’t afford it.
• Seasoned Tailgaters:

The Power Shower

• 15 magical minutes. 3 Brews.  2 Shots of Iowa’s finest.   One-way ticket to BLACKED-before-noon.

Recent studies indicate 88.3% of Iowa Tailgaters wake-up legally intoxicated on game-day mornings.  As a precautionary measure, here are some Helpful Hints to a successful shower beer experience:

• Remembering a bottle cap opener
• Removing clothes
• Confirming you are in fact in a shower
• Eliminating confusion between Beer can / Shampoo bottle similarities

FreshmenCommonly Asked Questions:

Q: Shit.  Won’t I get water in my beer?

A: Yes.  Lots of it.  And probably a small bit of Old Spice ‘Swagger’ if you’re a first-timer.  Just  a sacrifice you will have to make if you want to beat sobriety before your roommates beat their 6:07 A.M. alarm clocks.  Still worried?  Invite Keith Stone to the shower party.  There is no possible way to dilute a product that is 93% water already.

——————————–

Q: My beers getting warm, and I –

A: — shut up and drink faster.  Next question.

——————————–

Q: What happens if I spill on myself?

A: If you are terrified about drying off still smelling like a Summer Shandy then you are clearly from Nebraska.   Spilled beer is a natural fragrance of Tailgate.  Just let it happen.

——————————–

Common Misconceptions:

• A shower beer and a beer shower are one in the same.

SHOWER BEER

BEER SHOWER

YOU DECIDE.

—————————————————

In conclusion, there’s nothing more American than a good ole’ shower beer before a day of bad decisions and Iowa Football.  Make your country proud.  Before you leave your freshmen dorm, stumble to Kinnick, or bail your friend out of the drunk tank:

Turn on the faucet.  And crack a cold one.

Stay classy Iowa City,

• TGB

A SATURDAY OF BAD FOOTBALL IS LIKE AN AFTERNOON IN AMES

Yup.  The FIRST Hawkeye Tailgate of 2011 was a hell of a success, if I do say so myself. Well, minus the impromptu Tsunami that turned Kinnick into a giant fish bowl. Unfortunately, the party paparazzi was too busy drowning in the Melrose avenue wave pool to snap pics of the tailgate morning rowdiness. So — It is now up to YOU ALL.

We need pics of some crazy first-game action.  How do YOU summarize TAILGATE in ONE pic?

The BEST contributions are winning this classy tailgate ensemble to represent on Saturday!

All you have to do:

CLICK

To visit TailgateBarn on FaceBook

LIKE the PAGE

POST YOUR BEST TAILGATE PIC ON THE WALL

THE PICS WITH THE MOST LIKES GETS THE SHIRTS!

The winners can pick up their shirts at Liquor House on Thursday or Friday night!  But you better hurry.  Iowa State Tailgate is only TWO days away!

Get BLACKED!

- TGB

2010 BLACKOUT RECAP

If your 2010 Tailgate season was anything like ours, then…well.  You can’t remember a damn thing about it.

Don’t sweat it.  Tailgate Barn was there ALL season catching die-hard fans at their classiest moments.   For those who have never experienced a Hawkeye Tailgate…

Watch.  Learn.  Blackout.  Repeat: